I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
