Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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