omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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