how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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