half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
