First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
