so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
