please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Randomize
