dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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