Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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