If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
