ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You were trust falling into bushes
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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