New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
my god I love twenty year old dicks
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
