i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
