Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize