if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
