when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
