If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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