When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
