So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
