but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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