also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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