you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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