woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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