I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
it glows. i had to have it.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
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