i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
We are all done wearing pants today
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
