I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
