glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
