i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
