Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
