I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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