either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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