So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
