why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
