saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize