Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
