This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Randomize
