i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
