We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
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