He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
