He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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