At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
