His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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