you would pick up someone in the library
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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