My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
