Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
