I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
