Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
