Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
