Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
