6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I think I died a long time ago.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
