You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
