dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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