Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
