You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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