so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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