Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
